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But He Never Hit Me
The Devastating Cost of
Non-Physical Abuse to Girls and Women

"This is definitely the most important self-help book I've ever read. It spoke directly to me in a compassionate and clear way, while also giving me directions for looking at my relationship problems and cleaning them up. Before I read But He Never Hit Me, I didn't even know I had these difficulties; I just knew that I wasn't really happy with my life. This book spoke to me in a very profound way. I read a lot of books, for my profession, every year and But He Never Hit Me is by far the best I've had the pleasure to read. This book will stay with me for a long time."

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"I just finished reading, Destructive Relationships, and I can't believe how much it's opened my eyes to how I was conducting my life and all the unhealthy relationships I had!  I knew I was unhappy and couldn't figure out why my life and relationships weren't working. Now I understand completely. 

I feel so empowered now and confident about my future. I've already started making positive changes. I just don't know how to thank you enough!"

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"Your book, But I Love Him" literally saved my daughter's life.  She was dating an abusive boy for nearly 2 years. He was very controlling and had recently introduced her to drugs and a depraved lifestyle. She ran away with him twice. We tried everything and didn't know how to get through to her.  We read your book and started talking to her differently and looking at our part in the relationship.  We started seeing small changes in the way she behaved toward us.  We finally gave her the book to read. She was initially resistent but then read it all in one night, highlighting it as she went.  She broke up with him less than 2 weeks later.  You and your book have been a miracle in our lives. We can't thank you enough for the work you do and for saving our daughter's life and our relationship with her."

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Good Housekeeping Magazine

Signs That You May Be in Way Too Deep

"In general, girls are raised to be accommodating and sweet and to please their guys," says Jill Murray, author of Destructive Relationships: A Guide to Changing the Unhealthy Relationships in Your Life (Jodere Group, $24). "But sometimes, if they feel threatened [about losing their guy], girls can be driven to take extreme measures."

Girls identify their worthiness and attractiveness through [guys]," says Murray. "Guys are more solitary...but when a girl's relationship is going south, it's the end of the world for her, so she will do drastic things."

That's not to say, of course, that every girl who hits a bump with her guy is going to do something crazy, much less illegal, but relationships problems cause many girls to do stuff they never would have done before.

But being deeply into relationships doesn't mean girls can't be smarter about them. The first step is to steer clear of the fast lane. "Some girls tend to get into intense one-on-one relationships really quickly," warns Murray. The better route is a slow one—going on group dates, say, and not seeing him every day—so a boy doesn't become your "instant everything."

Also, you should have plenty of other things going on—schoolwork, sports, friends, whatever—that don't involve him. "Keep part of your life separate from his. Keep pursuing your personal interests and hobbies," Murray says. The point is to make sure that you never get so caught up in your relationship that it becomes your whole world.


Five Signs You May Be in Way Too Deep

Wondering how to tell if you may be crazy in love? We asked psychotherapist Jill Murray about things to watch out for

  1. YOU AND YOUR GUY ARE TOGETHER 24/7. You've dropped most of your close friends and spend less time with your family.
  2. YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR OWN INTERESTS ANYMORE. You've taken up his hobbies and let your slide.
  3. YOU START DOING STUFF YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE BEFORE YOU MET HIM. You start dressing solely to please him. Or you go further sexually than you want to.
  4. YOU FEAR YOU LOVE HIM MORE THAN HE LOVES YOU. Being insecure about a relationship can lead you to do drastic things.
  5. THE THOUGHT OF BEING SINGLE IS DEVASTATING. It's great to have a guy, but it's important to be OK without one.

EXCERPT FROM TEEN PEOPLE, MARCH 2004

copyright (c) 2004 Teen People


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© 2005 by Jill Murray. All rights reserved. The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any techniques as forms of treatment for physical or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book or on this website for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.