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But He Never Hit Me
The Devastating Cost of
Non-Physical Abuse to Girls and Women

"This is definitely the most important self-help book I've ever read. It spoke directly to me in a compassionate and clear way, while also giving me directions for looking at my relationship problems and cleaning them up. Before I read But He Never Hit Me, I didn't even know I had these difficulties; I just knew that I wasn't really happy with my life. This book spoke to me in a very profound way. I read a lot of books, for my profession, every year and But He Never Hit Me is by far the best I've had the pleasure to read. This book will stay with me for a long time."

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"I just finished reading, Destructive Relationships, and I can't believe how much it's opened my eyes to how I was conducting my life and all the unhealthy relationships I had!  I knew I was unhappy and couldn't figure out why my life and relationships weren't working. Now I understand completely. 

I feel so empowered now and confident about my future. I've already started making positive changes. I just don't know how to thank you enough!"

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"Your book, But I Love Him" literally saved my daughter's life.  She was dating an abusive boy for nearly 2 years. He was very controlling and had recently introduced her to drugs and a depraved lifestyle. She ran away with him twice. We tried everything and didn't know how to get through to her.  We read your book and started talking to her differently and looking at our part in the relationship.  We started seeing small changes in the way she behaved toward us.  We finally gave her the book to read. She was initially resistent but then read it all in one night, highlighting it as she went.  She broke up with him less than 2 weeks later.  You and your book have been a miracle in our lives. We can't thank you enough for the work you do and for saving our daughter's life and our relationship with her."

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Here's My Story [Excerpt]

Eliza Johnson, 19, nervously twirls her streaky blond hair between her fingers as she remembers the way her boyfriend used to hit her. He'd started taking a martial arts class and world "practice" moves on Eliza. Making jokey kung fu-like noises, he'd rush toward her, doing chopping motions with his hands and jab up and down her arms until they were covered with tiny bruises. "I'd be like, 'Ahhhh, stop, stop.' " Eliza says, raising her hands as if she's warding off more blows. "But he'd keep going."

This kind of dating violence is way too common. One in three teenagers has experienced some type of abuse, including verbal and emotional abuse, in her romantic relationships. Usually girls are the victims: Their boyfriends monopolize them, drag them away from friends and family, become crazily jealous, and sometimes hit them.

The victims don't necessarily look like victims, either "She could be the most popular girl in school and have a 4.9 GPA," says Jill Murray, Ph.D. author of Destructive Relationships. After meeting Eliza, I believe it. She's beautiful and seems so confident. How could this smart college freshman let someone hurt her so badly?

Abusive guys play mind games to the point where girls think they're going crazy, Jill says.


He may not have punched you, but that doesn't mean the person you love isn't abusive. Extreme jealousy, isolating you from friends, and controlling how you look are all warning signs. Dr. Jill Murray tells you what to do.

  1. FIRST LET YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS KNOW exactly what's going on and that you're serious about dumping your boyfriend.
  2. IN A PUBLIC PLACE — bring an older brother, teacher, or even your father — tell him it's over. Simply say: "This isn't working out for me. Please don't call me anymore." Then walk away.
  3. HE MAY NOT TAKE IT WELL. Expect him to spread rumors about you and call or email you constantly. Think about changing your screen name and phone and pager numbers.
  4. IF HE DOESN'T LEAVE YOU ALONE, and you're scared, call the National Hotline for Domestic Violence (800) 799-SAFE. Or visit for a list of local support centers and hot lines. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence,, and Break the Cycle, or 888-988-TEEN also have useful information.

If you'd like free and anonymous help from Dr. Jill Murray, visit to send her an email.


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© 2005 by Jill Murray. All rights reserved. The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any techniques as forms of treatment for physical or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book or on this website for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.