But He Never Hit Me
The Devastating Cost of
Non-Physical Abuse to Girls and Women

"This is definitely the most important self-help book I've ever read. It spoke directly to me in a compassionate and clear way, while also giving me directions for looking at my relationship problems and cleaning them up. Before I read But He Never Hit Me, I didn't even know I had these difficulties; I just knew that I wasn't really happy with my life. This book spoke to me in a very profound way. I read a lot of books, for my profession, every year and But He Never Hit Me is by far the best I've had the pleasure to read. This book will stay with me for a long time."

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"I just finished reading, Destructive Relationships, and I can't believe how much it's opened my eyes to how I was conducting my life and all the unhealthy relationships I had!  I knew I was unhappy and couldn't figure out why my life and relationships weren't working. Now I understand completely. 

I feel so empowered now and confident about my future. I've already started making positive changes. I just don't know how to thank you enough!"

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"Your book, But I Love Him" literally saved my daughter's life.  She was dating an abusive boy for nearly 2 years. He was very controlling and had recently introduced her to drugs and a depraved lifestyle. She ran away with him twice. We tried everything and didn't know how to get through to her.  We read your book and started talking to her differently and looking at our part in the relationship.  We started seeing small changes in the way she behaved toward us.  We finally gave her the book to read. She was initially resistent but then read it all in one night, highlighting it as she went.  She broke up with him less than 2 weeks later.  You and your book have been a miracle in our lives. We can't thank you enough for the work you do and for saving our daughter's life and our relationship with her."

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marriage tips - relationship advice

“I’m so angry at my daughter I don’t know what to do with myself”, “My husband makes me so angry I can’t even talk to him right now”, “I’m really mad at myself for not being able to stick to my diet”.

As a therapist, I hear these kinds of comments over and over and I’m sure you’ve said or felt angry emotions yourself. We all have. We’re often told that anger isn’t healthy and certainly, it’s not good to hang onto anger. Women especially are told either explicitly or implicitly that they shouldn’t feel or display anger. So, anger can be a confusing emotion.

But, is anger really anger? Certainly, we all know what anger looks like and feels like. Sometimes, it feels really good to get angry, especially when we have righteous anger. However, I think that anger is just a cover emotion. In my opinion, anger is really three other true emotions:

Hurt, Fear, Frustration
Think about the last couple of times you were really mad. Now, try this exercise: instead of attaching anger to it, try to imagine what you were hurt/sad about in that instance. Think about it again. What were you afraid of or afraid might happen? Think about the instance a third time. What were you frustrated about? Aha! This changes your anger into something concrete, doesn’t it?

Seeing anger as hurt, fear, and frustration is important for several reasons. You can’t do anything to solve anger. In fact, the angrier you are, the angrier you get. Anger doesn’t let you move past “anger”. You can’t fix it. However, you can look at feelings of sadness, of fear, and of feeling frustrated and definitely do something constructive. Additionally, anger has a lot of energy attached to it. Have you ever noticed that when you’re angry, you’re fidgety, breathe rapidly, pace around, and perhaps say things you wouldn’t normally? That’s the energy and adrenaline that comes with “anger”.

The next time you feel what looks like anger, get out of your immediate environment and take a walk, run, or bike ride for at least 20 minutes (don’t drive a car). Don’t interact with others and don’t drink or use other substances. While you are doing something physical, take a non-defensive look at your feelings of hurt, fear and frustration that are the true cause of your “anger”. You will be amazed at how clear your emotions become and how quickly you can overcome them in a healthy way, without hurting yourself or your relationships.

Take good care.

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© 2014 by Jill Murray. All rights reserved. The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any techniques as forms of treatment for physical or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book or on this website for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.