But He Never Hit Me
The Devastating Cost of
Non-Physical Abuse to Girls and Women

"This is definitely the most important self-help book I've ever read. It spoke directly to me in a compassionate and clear way, while also giving me directions for looking at my relationship problems and cleaning them up. Before I read But He Never Hit Me, I didn't even know I had these difficulties; I just knew that I wasn't really happy with my life. This book spoke to me in a very profound way. I read a lot of books, for my profession, every year and But He Never Hit Me is by far the best I've had the pleasure to read. This book will stay with me for a long time."

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"I just finished reading, Destructive Relationships, and I can't believe how much it's opened my eyes to how I was conducting my life and all the unhealthy relationships I had!  I knew I was unhappy and couldn't figure out why my life and relationships weren't working. Now I understand completely. 

I feel so empowered now and confident about my future. I've already started making positive changes. I just don't know how to thank you enough!"

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"Your book, But I Love Him" literally saved my daughter's life.  She was dating an abusive boy for nearly 2 years. He was very controlling and had recently introduced her to drugs and a depraved lifestyle. She ran away with him twice. We tried everything and didn't know how to get through to her.  We read your book and started talking to her differently and looking at our part in the relationship.  We started seeing small changes in the way she behaved toward us.  We finally gave her the book to read. She was initially resistent but then read it all in one night, highlighting it as she went.  She broke up with him less than 2 weeks later.  You and your book have been a miracle in our lives. We can't thank you enough for the work you do and for saving our daughter's life and our relationship with her."

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marriage tips - relationship advice

When couples come into my office, upset and bereft of hope in their relationships, I look at several warning signs. One of the strongest is a lack of intimacy in their partnerships. I’m not talking about sex; intimacy and sex are often used interchangeably. I think of intimacy as Into Me See. It is a feeling of being deeply known, cherished, validated, and accepted as the person you are, even if your partner doesn’t always approve of the actions you take. At those times, your behavior may be wrong but you don’t feel that you are wrong as a person. One can have a sexual encounter without any intimacy whatsoever. Of course, a deep sense of knowing is sex with intimacy. But they are not the same word.

So, when I see couples in my practice with intimacy difficulties, I assign a simple exercise that I challenge you to have some fun with in your relationship. Here it is:

Sit cross legged on the floor with your partner, fully dressed, knees touching. Hold each other’s hands lightly and just gaze softly into each other’s eyes. No talking. No staring contest. No giggling. Don’t look away or make faces at each other. Just gaze softly and deeply. Do this for as long as you can; ideally 3 or 4 minutes.

If you are able to withstand the discomfort of the first minute or two an interesting feeling will come upon you: that of being relaxed, calm and very close to your partner. You may cry or otherwise feel very emotional. That’s okay; as a matter of fact, it’s perfect. You are experiencing intimacy.

I’d like you to try this exercise and pass it on to your friends. See if you and your partner can complete this exercise a couple of times each week. I can promise you that your relationship will grow in ways you hadn’t imagined.

Take good care.

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© 2014 by Jill Murray. All rights reserved. The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any techniques as forms of treatment for physical or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book or on this website for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.