But He Never Hit Me
The Devastating Cost of
Non-Physical Abuse to Girls and Women

"This is definitely the most important self-help book I've ever read. It spoke directly to me in a compassionate and clear way, while also giving me directions for looking at my relationship problems and cleaning them up. Before I read But He Never Hit Me, I didn't even know I had these difficulties; I just knew that I wasn't really happy with my life. This book spoke to me in a very profound way. I read a lot of books, for my profession, every year and But He Never Hit Me is by far the best I've had the pleasure to read. This book will stay with me for a long time."

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"I just finished reading, Destructive Relationships, and I can't believe how much it's opened my eyes to how I was conducting my life and all the unhealthy relationships I had!  I knew I was unhappy and couldn't figure out why my life and relationships weren't working. Now I understand completely. 

I feel so empowered now and confident about my future. I've already started making positive changes. I just don't know how to thank you enough!"

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"Your book, But I Love Him" literally saved my daughter's life.  She was dating an abusive boy for nearly 2 years. He was very controlling and had recently introduced her to drugs and a depraved lifestyle. She ran away with him twice. We tried everything and didn't know how to get through to her.  We read your book and started talking to her differently and looking at our part in the relationship.  We started seeing small changes in the way she behaved toward us.  We finally gave her the book to read. She was initially resistent but then read it all in one night, highlighting it as she went.  She broke up with him less than 2 weeks later.  You and your book have been a miracle in our lives. We can't thank you enough for the work you do and for saving our daughter's life and our relationship with her."

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  1. I try to please others instead of myself.
  2. I don’t really know what I need, or if I do, I tell myself that it is not important.
  3. I find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than those done to myself.
  4. I anticipate other people’s needs.
  5. I feel best when I’m giving to others and uncomfortable or guilty when others give to me.
  6. I find myself attracted to needy people.
  7. I over commit myself.
  8. I blame myself for everything.
  9. I pick on myself for the way I think, feel, look, and behave.
  10. I reject compliments or praise.
  11. I feel different from most other people.
  12. I think I’m not good enough.
  13. I fear rejection.
  14. I take things personally.
  15. I feel like a victim.
  16. I tell myself I can’t do anything right.
  17. I am afraid of making mistakes.
  18. I feel a lot of guilt.
  19. I have a lot of “shoulds” in my life.
  20. I believe other people can’t possibly like or love me.
  21. I lose sleep over petty problems or other people’s behavior.
  22. I am afraid to let other people see who I am.
  23. I feel controlled by people or events.
  24. I try to say what I think will please other people.
  25. I don’t have the word “no” in my vocabulary.
  26. I avoid talking about myself.
  27. I think that most of what I say is unimportant or uninteresting.
  28. I make a lot of apologies.
  29. I let other people hurt me.
  30. I don’t trust myself, my feelings, my decisions, or other people.
  31. I am overly trusting of others before I actually get to know them.
  32. I am afraid of my own anger.
  33. I am afraid to make others angry.
  34. I lie to myself.
  35. I don’t remember the last time I felt happy, content, or peaceful with myself.
  36. I look for happiness outside myself.
  37. I desperately seek love and approval.
  38. I am afraid or uncomfortable being alone.
  39. I find myself seeking love from people who are incapable of loving.
  40. I try to prove that I’m good enough to be loved.
  41. I fall into serious relationships quickly.
  42. I stay in relationships that don’t work.
  43. I don’t say what I mean.
  44. I feel safer feeling hurt than angry.
  45. I have sex when I don’t want to.
  46. I find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
  47. I remain loyal to people who have hurt me.
  48. I make lots of excuses for other people’s behavior.
  49. I often feel hopeless about the future.

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© 2005 by Jill Murray. All rights reserved. The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any techniques as forms of treatment for physical or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book or on this website for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.