But He Never Hit Me
The Devastating Cost of
Non-Physical Abuse to Girls and Women

"This is definitely the most important self-help book I've ever read. It spoke directly to me in a compassionate and clear way, while also giving me directions for looking at my relationship problems and cleaning them up. Before I read But He Never Hit Me, I didn't even know I had these difficulties; I just knew that I wasn't really happy with my life. This book spoke to me in a very profound way. I read a lot of books, for my profession, every year and But He Never Hit Me is by far the best I've had the pleasure to read. This book will stay with me for a long time."

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"I just finished reading, Destructive Relationships, and I can't believe how much it's opened my eyes to how I was conducting my life and all the unhealthy relationships I had!  I knew I was unhappy and couldn't figure out why my life and relationships weren't working. Now I understand completely. 

I feel so empowered now and confident about my future. I've already started making positive changes. I just don't know how to thank you enough!"

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"Your book, But I Love Him" literally saved my daughter's life.  She was dating an abusive boy for nearly 2 years. He was very controlling and had recently introduced her to drugs and a depraved lifestyle. She ran away with him twice. We tried everything and didn't know how to get through to her.  We read your book and started talking to her differently and looking at our part in the relationship.  We started seeing small changes in the way she behaved toward us.  We finally gave her the book to read. She was initially resistent but then read it all in one night, highlighting it as she went.  She broke up with him less than 2 weeks later.  You and your book have been a miracle in our lives. We can't thank you enough for the work you do and for saving our daughter's life and our relationship with her."

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I have to admit that I talk a lot about abusive/unhealthy relationships on this website. So much so that you now know what a bad relationship looks like, but perhaps you are confused as to what you should be looking for!

Here are the eight signs of a good partnership. As you read this, understand that every one of these are necessary, not just a few. Also, remember that you must GIVE and RECEIVE them all.

  1. HONESTY AND ACCOUNTABILITY - This means that both partners accept responsibility for their own actions and don’t blame them on others. If there is a need to change, they do so for their own emotional growth and not because their partner is nagging.
  2. NONTHREATENING BEHAVIOR - This includes talking and acting in a way that makes your partner feel safe to express herself/himself. There is a commitment not to use threats or manipulative actions.
  3. NEGOTIATION AND FAIRNESS - Do both partners seek mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict? Are they accepting of change? Are they willing to compromise?
  4. COMMUNICATION - We have all heard the term “open lines of communication.” This implies that both partners talk openly and truthfully. They are able to be honest with themselves and about their own feelings.
  5. SHARED RESPONSIBILITY - Both partners make decisions together. If a job has to be done, they share it as equally as possible.
  6. RESPECT- Aretha Franklin had the right idea! Without respect, and our next sign, trust, there is no relationship. When you respect your partner, you listen non-judgmentally. You value each other’s opinions and are emotionally affirming and understanding.
  7. TRUST AND SUPPORT- This means that you support each other’s goals. You also respect each others’ right to individual feelings, friends, activities, and opinions. You do the hard work of overcoming your own feelings of jealousy, envy or resentment.
  8. INDEPENDENCE AND AUTONOMY- Both partners are aware of their own dependency needs and don’t foist it on their partner or make them responsible for it. They can be apart and be happy. They can do activities separately with friends of the opposite sex and be fine.

I hope you have been able to find your own relationship in this exercise. If you have a few of these signs—but not all—in your relationship, now would be a good time to print out this list and show it to your partner, asking for a commitment to working on the relationship together to make it even better..

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© 2005 by Jill Murray. All rights reserved. The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any techniques as forms of treatment for physical or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book or on this website for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.