QUESTIONS YOU�D LIKE TO SHARE
Please feel free to send any of your questions to [email protected]
Dear Dr. Murray,
My boyfriend of five months started kind of playfully punching me in the arm about a month ago. You know, pretend sort of hits. I didn�t think anything of it; I thought he was just goofing off. But lately, he�s begun pushing me around against walls or onto my bed. If he gets upset with something I�m saying, he just shoves me away. I know he loves me, but am I being too picky to think that he shouldn�t be doing this to me?
Sara-- Takoma, WA
Dear Sara,
Believe it or not, what you are describing is the early stages of physical abuse! I know what you�re thinking: he�s not hurting me. I don�t have any marks on me. It�s just done in fun or when I�m upsetting him.
There are a few important points about what you�ve said that I�d like you to consider:
1.Physical abuse doesn�t have to be things like choking, beating, pushing someone down stairs, and scary things like that. Restraining someone, punching, and pushing are all physical abuse.
2.Abuse always escalates. First, there is verbal abuse, then emotional abuse, and finally in some cases, sexual and/or physical abuse. If you think back, you will be able to recognize many instances of insults, name calling, and cruelty.
3.Since abuse always escalates, you can see how his physically abusive behaviors have already risen. He started off �playfully� punching you and is now pushing you against and onto objects. You must understand that his abuse will rise from this point as well.
4.You say that he loves you. Leaving all his other behaviors and words out of the picture, would you say that his punching and pushing are LOVING BEHAVIORS? It doesn�t matter that he may be Mr. Wonderful 95% of the time. This is cruel, hurtful, and disrespectful behavior towards you and is bad enough.
5.Do you really deserve a boyfriend who doesn�t think enough of you as a woman that he has to push you around or use you as a punching bag instead of talking about his frustrations or anger? Would you do that to him?
Sara, no one can tell you what to do in your situation. I think that
everyone reading your letter would agree that you are in a potentially dangerous relationship and don�t foresee good things for you with your boyfriend. I think everyone is wondering why his behavior is OK with you.
You have a creepy feeling about his behavior, which means you have very good instincts. You need to think about listening to those instincts and honoring them. I think you know that you deserve a kind and loving boyfriend who treats you with respect 100% of the time. If you don�t, you have a problem as well as your boyfriend and getting help with your feelings of low self-esteem might be a good choice for you.
You deserve the best, Sara. He�s not it.
Dear Dr. Murray,
I�ve read your articles every month and your book. After a lot of soul-searching, I realize that I have been in a few bad relationships. I would always blame my boyfriends, but really it was me who put up with it and didn�t think enough of myself. I don�t want this to continue in my life. I come from an abusive family and know that I need help resolving all my problems. Would you tell me how I could find a good therapist?
Linda, Knoxville, TN
Dear Linda,
How wise of you to know that what you�ve experienced is the repition of your family patterns. How smart, also, to know that while someone may attempt to be cruel to you, it is actually you who has the final say in whether that is accomplished. I really respect your decision to get some outside help.
I have found that not all therapists are well-educated in the subject of abusive relationships. Just like most folks, they may not realize that verbal and emotional abuse are very damaging, and if you have not been physically abused, may minimize your feelings. Some therapists don�t understand the complex reasons why men and women remain in abusive relationships.
Therefore, when searching out a therapist for yourself, I would recommend that you do the following: First, get referrals from others. That gets a little tricky if you feel ashamed or embarrased that you are seeking therapy. With so many people getting help these days, you may actually be surprised that so many people you ask may refer their own therapist or the name of someone who has helped a friend or family member. You can also call the Marriage and Family Therapists� Association in your town. They may be listed in your yellow pages or look them up on the internet. You may want to call a domestic violence hotline, such as 800-799-SAFE and ask for referrals in your area of therapists who are well-acquainted with domestic violence issues.
Don�t be afraid or intimidated about calling several and interviewing them over the phone or asking if they can do a 15 minute free consultation. When prospective patients do that with my, I�m very happy because I know that I may have the opportunity of working with someone who is willing to look out for her own best interests and is a savvy consumer! It shows me that this person is really willing to work.
Take good care and let us know how you are doing!
Dear Dr. Murray,
After reading your book, I finally had the courage to leave my boyfriend. I realized that even though he told me he loved me, his behaviors didn�t match his words. I thought that was hard enough, but now I see him at school with another girlfriend already. He has his arm around her or he�s holding her hand. Sometimes, I see him kissing her. All the friends we had together are with him and I feel really alone and jealous. I thought that breaking up with him would make me feel better, but now in some ways, I feel worse. What should I do?
Karen in Toronto
Dear Karen,
You were right to break up with your boyfriend, and you are also right that you are now going through a very difficult time. Seeing him with another girl is terrible, especially since you haven�t had time to heal yet. A few things to think about regarding his having another girl:
* Doesn�t his rebounding with another girlfriend so soon just go to prove how shallow he is? If you are truly in love with someone, it takes time to grieve and heal from a relationship. This is not said to make you feel even worse, but can you see how right you were when you had that creepy feeling that he couldn�t really love you, even though he said he did? You wouldn�t be going out with another guy so soon and letting him paw you like that. He doesn�t have a real depth of feelings; not for you and not for this new girl.
* Be assured that he has not changed one iota and will soon treat this poor girl exactly as he treated you. Because it wasn�t your fault that he treated you as he did, don�t think that he won�t do the same with this girl. He�s still the same unhappy person who needs to hook girls in by acting sweet and attentive and then control them and make them feel badly about themselves.
I know it�s also difficult to see the friends you once shared with him as well. Remember, you hang out with people who are just like you, so it�s a good sign that they don�t want to be with you. They are part of your toxic past and now you have the opportunity to build new and healthier friendships.
When you find yourself being nostalgic and envious when you see him with these creepy friends and with this new girl, say to yourself, �Gee whiz�he was my abuser!� You�ll have no choice but to laugh at yourself!
Dear Dr. Murray,
After reading your book and listening to what you had to say on a recent television show, my wife and I now realize that our daughter needs some help in getting out of her relationship with her boyfriend. We plan to use many of the strategies you outline in your book. Is there any other way we can help her aside from our talking with her as you suggest?
Ted in Toronto, Canada
Dear Ted,
I�m so glad you are seeing the truth of your daughter�s dangerous situation. I mention the word �dangerous�, because even if she is not being physically abused, she is certainly being verbally and emotionally demeaned. From reading my book, you know how dangerous I feel those types of abuse are; not only in the present, but for the future of her self-esteem and relationships.
Parents frequently ask me about referrals for their children outside of my geographical area. Here is my best advice: look in the front of your telephone book under Domestic Violence and there will be a main phone number. In the U.S., that number is 800-799-SAFE. It is a domestic violence hotline. The person who answers your call is able to give you referral numbers in your area. Ask for a few of them. Then, call the therapists and ask them if they have worked extensively with teens in abusive dating relationships and what their success with it has been. This is crucial, because many domestic violence counselors have not had any experience with this topic and deal exclusively with adult women.
When you find a suitable therapist, ask for a 30 minute consultation with her/him so that you can discuss your concerns in advance of your daughter going to treatment. Ask your therapist how she would like to deal with this problem: is she going to see your daughter exclusively, as a family issue, or a combination of both? Different therapists have their own ways of dealing with issues and one is not necessarily better than the other. My own preference is to have one or two sessions with the parents�so that I can understand their concerns without the denial and minimization factor a teen brings into it, a few sessions with the daughter or son involved in the relationship, and then as many family sessions as is appropriate. This is not only a problem for the child involved, it becomes a source of difficulty in the marriage (or for the single parent), as well as a big family problem.
I hope this has been helpful, and let us know how your family is doing.
Dear Dr. Murray,
I saw you on �Jenny Jones� and realized that I was in an abusive relationship. My boyfriend liked to tell me what to wear, who my friends could be, and always accused me of flirting with other guys, which I wasn�t. He was allowed to go out with his friends whenever he wanted, but I wasn�t. I know now that he�s bad for me. How do I break it off with him without hurting his feelings?---Sarah
Dear Sarah,
It�s interesting to me that you describe your relationship as abusive, then your main concern is not hurting your abuser. Aren�t you the one who has been hurt? Abusers don�t feel hurt like you do. What they feel when you break up with them is angry because they no longer have power and control over you. So, you see, you are imposing the way you anticipate feeling onto a boy who doesn�t share your feelings. That�s the main reason why you are breaking up, right?
Did he care about how hurt you were when he told you what to do, made unfair accusations, and granted privileges to himself that he denied you? Nope! I am not telling you that you need to be a callous person, but by thinking once again of his needs first, you are putting yourself in second place again.
There is one important aspect of breaking up with an abuser that I would like you to know: it�s not going to be pretty. As I said, he will know that you are now the one with the power and control in the relationship since you are deciding to end it. This will not sit well with him. Expect that he will be VERY angry and may get physically violent. He will certainly be verbally and emotionally abusive. You must keep yourself safe. Don�t do this by yourself. Bring your father, older brother, or another bigger person with you. Size matters with abusers! Do not start your breakup with, �Gee, I hope we can always be friends�� or, �You�re really a nice guy but��. He doesn�t care what you have to say. Also, don�t start giving him reasons why you are ending the relationship. He will have a comeback for each one and they will all be your fault. Here is what you say, �This isn�t working out. Please don�t call me or contact me in any way.� That�s it. Sounds mean to you? It�s not. It�s called being assertive and setting boundaries. After you say those 2 sentences, take your big person and walk away. If he continues to harrass you, you may need to take legal measures, but hopefully this will be the end of it.
Congratulations on taking such a brave step. I know this is a difficult time for you and needless to say, all of us reading this feel you�re a real gutsy gal.
Dear Dr. Murray:
My daughter recently broke up with her horrible boyfriend. That�s the good news. The bad news is that he keeps bothering her and has actually threatened to poison our dog if she doesn�t go back to him! Now she seems to be even more frightened and nervous than she was when she was with him. She�s afraid that since the dog knows him and would follow him, he could actually do this. She doesn�t want the animal to be harmed, but she doesn�t want to be his girlfriend anymore either. What should we do? Ann C.
Dear Ann:
What a nightmare! You finally have peace of mind knowing that your daughter has made a good decision in leaving this creep, and now the family is worried about him taking out his anger on your poor dog.
First, know the reason why he�s doing this: he has lost the power and control he had over your daughter. This makes an abuser very nervous. In an attempt to regain this power, he makes threats against a defenseless animal, one that he knows will get the desired effect he wants from your daughter.
Your daughter should not attempt to contact this boy and plead with him to stop. She should not contact him at all. This is exactly what he wants. He wants to know that what he�s doing still affects her negatively. Do not let him get that satisfaction.
I don�t know what the laws are in your state, but most states have a way of keeping an abuser away from his target. Contact your local police department and ask about a Temporary Restraining Order (TRO). This is a legal document that both the abusive boyfriend and your family will receive that stipulates the ways he cannot have contact with your daughter. Typically, they state that he must stay a certain distance away, not contact her directly, by telephone, e-mail, or letter. He cannot harass her or a member of her family. You may be able to add more specific items to the TRO. Once you have this document, it must be enforced, in order for it to be effective. In other words, if he makes one more threat about harming the dog, you or your daughter must contact the police department and state that this young man has violated his restraining order. Action will then be taken. The police cannot assist you in this matter unless they are notified.
Many girls are frightened to enforce the TRO because they don�t want to �hurt� their boyfriend, or are afraid of retribution. Explain to your daughter that, in fact, it is not she who is hurting the boy, but he himself because he has failed to comply with the law. It is a conscious decision on his part. Additionally, if retribution is attempted (he�s going to �pay her back� for calling the police), this too must be reported to the authorities because, once again if means that he has decided to violate his restraining order and the legal system.
In most cases, when a boy receives a copy of a TRO, he complies and goes away, if not quietly, away nonetheless. He decides that this particular girl is too much trouble for him, she has her parents involved in the process, and he can easily find another girl to abuse.
Good luck and let us know what happens.
Dear Dr. Murray:
I am one of the parents that you write about in your book. When my daughters were younger, I drank heavily and was involved in several abusive relationships. I�m sure this must have had an impact on them. I don�t want them to repeat the same mistakes I made and feel so guilty for putting them through all of that. They are 11 and 13, and I know that they are becoming interested in boys. What can I do now? Claire R.
Dear Claire:
You sound like a very brave and caring mother. To have gotten past your alcoholism and pattern of abuse is truly remarkable, and I�m certain that everyone reading this feels as I do: you are awesome.
First, understand that nothing you have to face in life will ever be as difficult as what you have already been through. Also, know that you are now providing an excellent role model for your daughters as to what they can expect for themselves as women.
I hear the question you asked from almost every woman who has been in an abusive relationship, many of which include substance abuse. The concern is that your girls will follow the early example you set, rather than the one they are seeing now.
I believe in being as honest with your daughters as you feel comfortable with. Kids know when you are cheating or being less than candid. I would start the conversation by telling them that you are concerned with behaviors you showed them early in life and apologize for that. Parents don�t apologize to their children often enough, but we expect them to apologize to us. If you feel comfortable, you can let them know peripherally what drew you to alcohol and abusive men. Do not give them more details than they are entitled to or information that will make them feel responsible or sorry for you. Just a framework as to why this may have seemed like a logical group of behaviors to you at the time. Then, most importantly, let them know the short and long-term impact it had on your life and what lessons you learned from it. Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons, if we�ve learned from them. Let them know that you are available for any questions they may have now or in the future. Also, tell them the hopes and expectations you have for them in their relationships. Let this be a dialogue, rather than a monologue. They may have many questions or concerns.
Be open and available, and most importantly, be consistent with your words and behaviors. You are doing a great job, Claire. Being a mom is a tough job. Let us all know how your conversation with your girls goes.
Dear Dr. Murray,
If I am involved with someone who is abusive, how can I get him to see that he needs to change?---Rebecca
Dear Rebecca,
Unfortunately, getting him to change is not one of the three things you have control over, which are: your own thoughts, your own behaviors, and your own reactions. Which part of those 3 things implies that you can change him? What it does say is that you have control over your reactions to his abusive behaviors. That means you have some choices: You can tell him that what he does is hurtful to you (but don�t expect change on his part); you can develop yourself in other areas, so that your abusive relationship is not the mainstay of your life; you can understand that you don't deserve an abusive relationship and break up with him.
As far as getting him to change, it is important to understand that it is HE who needs to want to change. If you are accepting the abuse, so far what he�s doing is working for him and there is no need to change, right? Would you want to change something that was perfect in your life? So, here are the steps that are necessary for HIS change:
1. He has to recognize that these behaviors are a problem in his life.
2. He has to want to change them.
3. He has to seek out individual therapy or groups that will help him, such as anger management or batterer�s treament groups (you CANNOT investigate these groups for him).
4. He has to start practicing the new behaviors in all areas of his life.
5. He needs to apologize to those he�s hurt.
6. He has to show a long period of consistency in his new, improved behaviors. This means that you don�t accept that he�s changed overnight, because he signed up for the classes, etc. You must see his changed behavior when he�s stressed, when you do something that he wouldn�t normally agree with, when the 2 of have a conflict.
Truly, I would advise putting your relationship on hold while he attends these classes. He has to see that there is a consequence to his former poor behavior towards you and he also needs time and space to work on them.
I hope this has helped you and please let us all know how you are doing.
Dear Dr. Murray,
I have a friend who is in a terrible relationship. Her boyfriend insults her all the time, she cries a lot, all her friends see that he�s a big jerk. What can we do to help her see this and get her out?---Janice
Dear Janice,
Just as in the last letter, there is nothing you can do to force her to get out of this creepy relationship. That is not one of the 3 things you have control over. No doubt, you are not the first person who has told her to snap out of it and look at reality, right? There are many reasons why she is still with this guy. One of them may be that she doesn�t think she deserves any better or he�s told her that she�ll never get anyone better and she believes him. Understand that she has very low self-esteem. One of his plans has been to isolate her from her friends, so knowing that, it is important that you let her know that you care about her and will always be there for her if she needs a pal. If she doesn�t think she can fall back on you and her other friends, she has to stay with him because she has nowhere else to go.
Put some boundaries around your accessability, however. Let her know that it�s not OK for her to constantly whine to you about the horrible way he treats her and then keep going back for more. If that�s the case, you may need to tell her that it�s difficult for you to hear about the demeaning way he treats her, so your friendship needs to include conversations other than those that are involve him, or that you will be there for her once she breaks up with her boyfriend.
I know it�s terribly frustrating for you to see this happening to your friend. You are wonderful to care about her.
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