HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Sometimes, relationships are so difficult to figure out, aren�t they? You fall in love with Mr. Or Ms. Right only to find out later that it was really all wrong. You think to yourself, I was so sure that this was the real thing this time. Where did I go wrong? What didn�t I see? How can I make sure I don�t fall for the same type of person next time? How can I be smarter about it?

Actually, the answers to all those questions are pretty easy and we are going to discuss that in this issue. Let�s talk about unhealthy relationships first: the red flags you can look out for that will make you alert and smart, the reasons why guys and girls get into bad relationships, the fact the both males and females can be abusive partners, and the reasons why abusers act that way. Then, we�ll discuss great relationships and all that�s involved in making your choices the best they can be.

What is an Abusive Relationship?

There are four types of abuse that can occur in a relationship. One is not better or worse than the others, but they do happen in stages.

Stage 1: Verbal abuse�This is the beginning stage of an unhealthy relationship and the time in which you can really keep your eyes open. If your partner calls you names, such as �bitch,� �fat,� �stupid,� �dick,� �ugly,� etc., don�t mistake these for terms of endearment. Calling a girl a �bitch� is not the same as calling her �honey,� no matter what others tell you. If you are a girl who doesn�t mind being called a �bitch,� don�t whine to your friends two months into your relationship that your boyfriend cheats on you, lies to you, etc. He�s just treating you like a bitch! The same goes for guys who don�t mind being called names. Think enough of yourself to demand respect. You have to admit�you�d rather be called your own name, rather than one of the vulgar words above. If your partner can call you names and you don�t put a stop to it, s/he realizes that you don�t have any self-esteem and s/he can move onto stage 2.

Stage 2: Emotional abuse�Examples of this type of abuse would be your partner giving you intimidating looks, paging you or leaving messages on your answering machine very frequently (checking up on you behavior), monopolizing your time so that you don�t have time for your friends or activities, making you feel insecure, blaming you for everything that goes wrong in his/her life, interrogating you (where have you been, who did you talk to, what did you do, what time will you be home), humiliating you.

Stage 3: Sexual abuse�Date rape is very common. Did you know that 67% of college freshman girls�ages 18 and 19�reported being date raped at least once? Isn�t that shocking? Remember: your body belongs to you and is the most precious thing you have. You don�t need to give it away just because you are asked to. Any partner that doesn�t respect your wishes in this area is thinking only of him/herself and their desires, not yours. It is also not OK for your partner to touch you or kiss you when you don�t want it.

Stage 4: Physical abuse�You may have pictures in your head of a broken arm or a black eye, but actually these are the least common types of physical abuse. Restraining your partner (holding their hand too tight, clutching their shoulder or waist too tightly) are signs that really say, You�re not going anywhere until I tell you that you can. Pushing and shoving are also signs of physical abuse.

It�s very important to understand that abusive behaviors aren�t accidental. They are always pre-planned. If you are in an unhealthy, abusive relationship, your partner has done these things intentionally and you are the target. Abusive behavior is learned and will always increase unless you put a stop to it by getting out.

Abusive Relationship Quiz

Take a look at the list below. If you answer �yes� to ANY of the questions, you are in an abusive relationship. Try to be as honest as you can and just answer �yes� or �no.� Do not give reasons or excuses for the behaviors. I will use the pronoun �he� just for simplicity, but feel free to substitute �she� instead:

Does he put you down?
Does he make you feel badly about yourself?
Does he call you names?
Does he make you think you�re going crazy?
Does he play mind games with you?
Does he make you feel guilty?
Does he humiliate you?
Does he make all the decisions?
Does he define men�s and women�s roles strictly?
Does he make you feel afraid by giving you looks, actions, or gestures?
Does he smash things or put his fist through walls?
Does he make light of your feelings or not take your concerns seriously?
Does he shift the responsibility for abusive behavior to you?
Does he say that you caused his actions?
Does he threaten to hurt you, your family, or your pets?
Does he threaten suicide if you leave him?
Does he manipulate you to have sex with him?
Does he frequently drink or use drugs?
Does he try to control what you do or who you see?
Is he very jealous?
Does he tell lies about you?

Reasons for Abusive Behavior

An abusive person is actually very insecure and dependent. I know that sounds strange because they seem to be confident and as if they have all the answers. But think about it for a minute: why would someone need to control people into staying around them and tell others what to do if they thought they were so great? Wouldn�t you want to be around them just because they were great?

Many abusers come from families in which they�ve seen lots of yelling and fighting. Your mom and dad are the only role models you have for what a relationship should look like and if s/he saw abuse at home, that�s what they assume a man and woman should act like together. Many abusers have also been abused themselves. Remember, it didn�t necessarily need to be physical abuse; it could also be statements like, �I wish you were never born,� �I can�t wait till you turn 18 and you can get out of here,� �You�ll never amount to anything,� �You�re lazy and stupid.�

Now that you have this information, however, doesn�t give your partner any excuse to treat you cruelly. If they have witnessed abuse or been abused, they should get professional help with it. You are a teenage girl/boyfriend, not a therapist. You don�t deserve that type of behavior.

Guys and girls can both be abusive. Girls are generally emotionally abusive, using guilt and manipulation to get what they want. However, recent evidence shows that girls have become increasingly more physically abusive to boys. Whereas boys use their hands as weapons�pushing, hitting, choking�girls use weapons such as knives, baseball bats, or golf clubs to abuse. You can see that weapons will cause much more damage. The reasons why girls abuse are exactly the same as boys and should be dealt with in the same way: get out of the relationship.

Building Healthier Relationships

Being part of a healthy, non-abusive relationship is actually very easy but it does take know-how. Here are some positive signs that must all be in place for you to know that you are in a good relationship:

The way you talk and act lets your partner feel safe and secure.
You feel that you can talk openly with your partner about differences.
You seek mutually satisfying solutions to conflicts.
You are both willing to compromise.
You are able to be honest with yourself about your feelings.
You make decisions together.
You both listen non-judgementally and non-defensively when the other person has a problem with you.
You each value the other�s opinions.
You support each other�s goals.
You respect each other�s rights to individual feelings, friends, and activities.
You are both accepting of each other�s separateness.
You each accept responsibility for your own actions and don�t blame them on your partner.

How did you do with that quiz? Oftentimes, when we are in a relationship, we deny our true feelings. We want to be in the relationship so badly that when bad feelings come up about the other person or when we see things we don�t like, we push them away or pretend they don�t exist. This is called �denial,� and it�s a very dangerous thing.

Look at the reasons why you are in your relationship. Are you afraid to be alone? Do you think others at your school will think you�re a loser if you don�t have a boy/girlfriend? There are lots of unhealthy reasons why people get in and stay in bad relationships, but they are usually based on fear. When you allow fear to make your decisions, nothing good can come from it. Fear runs your life. You may be looking for another person to make you feel good about yourself or fill in the spaces in your life or personality. That doesn�t work. If you want to be in a complete relationship, you need to be a complete person first and find another complete person. You need to know that you are completely OK all on your own and like your life and just want�not need--a companion on your life journey.

The most important idea I can leave you with is this: LOVE IS A BEHAVIOR. Love is how a person treats you, not what they say when they are sorry that they behaved badly. Love is a choice, not a reaction. There is no such thing as love at first sight because love takes time to develop. You need to see how your partner acts when s/he is in crises and things aren�t going well in his/her life. You need to see the way s/he treats his friends and family and the way they treat him/her. Does s/he blame their teacher for their poor grades? Does he accuse his parents of being unfair all the time? You get the idea.

Any time in your relationship that you get a quesy feeling in your stomach that tells you things are not quite right, you have the opportunity to ask yourself, Would I consider this loving behavior? Not, do I feel like I love him/her or do I feel like s/he loves me? Behaviors will never lead you wrong.

Ultimately, you have to decide what you deserve in your relationship. Do you deserve to cry over your partner? Do you deserve to feel content and secure? Do you deserve to be called names or blamed for things you haven�t done? Do you deserve to be with someone mature enough to take responsibiltiy for themselves? Why do you want to be with someone you feel you need to �rescue?� Does that make you feel better about yourself as a person? These are all questions you must ask yourself honestly because really, your relationship is all about you, not the other person.

Please feel free to e-mail me with your questions and comments about this subject.

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Destructive Relationships