“My boyfriend used to insult me, cheat on me, lie to me, blame me for everything that went wrong in his life, make fun of me in front of our friends, and sometimes push me around a little. I’d cry and he’d say to me, ‘Stop being so dramatic. It’s not like I beat you up or anything.’ I stayed with him for another year after that.”

Well, if those comments don’t break your heart, I don’t know what will. Unfortunately, one in three girls will be in an abusive relationship by the time she graduates from high school. We don’t have such firm statistics on boys who are the recipient of abuse, but it is believed that one in six boys will endure that kind of suffering as well. That’s about 9 million girls and 4 million boys each year!

It is very important to know that all abuse is intentional, not an accident. The abuser has a plan for his target. It is learned behavior and s/he gets a “payoff” for it. It is also about power and control, plain and simple.

I would like you to look at these 21 questions to determine if you or your daughter/son is in an abusive relationship. They are all red flags of abuse:

• Before my daughter met her boyfriend, she had more friends than she does now.
• Her grades have declined in recent weeks or months.
• She used to be more outgoing and involved with her family, school activities, and/or place of worship.
• She frequently cries or is very sad.
• If he pages her, she must call him back immediately.
• He told her that he loved her early in their relationship.
• He is jealous if she looks at or speaks casually with another boy.
• He accuses her of doing things she hasn’t actually done.
• He is aggressive in other areas of his life: he puts his fist through walls or closets, bangs his fist to make a point, or throws objects when angry.
• He frequently roughhouses or play-wrestles with her.
• They talk on the phone several times a day or for long periods of time to the exclusion of everything else.
• She makes excuses for his poor behavior or says it’s her fault.
• He has a “tragic” homelife: he is or was physically abused or verbally demeaned, and/or one or both parents are alcoholics or use drugs.
• He drinks or uses drugs.
• He frequently gives her “advice” about her choice of friends, hairstyle, clothes, or makeup.
• He calls her demeaning names, then laughs and tells her he was only kidding.
• She has become secretive since she started dating him.
• She is miserable whenever she is apart from him and feels panicked.
• She has become very critical of her own appearance, talents, or abilities.
• She frequently has to explain herself to her boyfriend or often says she’s sorry.
• She has bruises she cannot explain or appears nervous about explaining.